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Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Cheap Shots: Michelle Williams

Destiny's Child's least pivotal member, Michelle Williams, climbed out of her coma just long enough to show the world why she's irrelevant. I'm not sure if that is a dress or her passport, but either way I want her dead. Judging by the back drop, she actually wore this dress to London's Fashion Week. No wonder everyone hates America.

Your fashion sense, much like your singing career, is depressing me. There is no need to continue to prove to us that you had no business in the spot light. We knew that from day one. You wonder why your singing parts in every song was less than 3 seconds... I wouldn't be surprised to hear they were seriously considering having you perform on tours via satellite. As seen above, when you're seen in real life, you're less than impressive.


Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Lauren's Free Advice: Wash Your Child

People with children tend to get angry when I blog about parental flaws. I like to think that I write about such exaggerated issues that if it applies to you, you likely deserve the embarrassment.

While in high school, I had a teacher that had some of the most filthy children in the history of Earth. The finger paints from today's art project became next week's guessing game: Is that brown paint or did she just wipe her butt with her hand again? Some questions just shouldn't have to be asked.

One day, as this particular teacher walked to the on-site daycare for the teacher's kids, I heard her say "Wow... I can tell you haven't had your bath this week!" And whose fault is that?! Granted, I'm not a parent, so maybe I'm missing something... but I'm pretty sure bathing should happen a bit more often than once a week, no matter how old you are.

Sorry to say it, but most kids are pretty gross. They lick things they shouldn't, eat stuff off the floor, and pick parts of their bodies that should go unexplored in public. Being a severe germaphobe, my best advice is to keep your dirty child away from me. I cannot be held responsible for force feeding your child Purrell after witnessing him eat a piece of furry candy off the sidewalk.

Let the hate mail begin.


Monday, September 28, 2009

Our Entertainment Review
A Conversation Regarding Cougar Town

LAUREN: "I'm watching this random show Cougar Town with Courtney Cox... since I don't have cable, I just watch hulu. Courtney's character is 40 something and just got divorced. Her single friend convinces her to go to the bar with her... Courtney meets this much younger guy, and after a few drinks says "you're hot as balls!". She later freaks out and leaves him at the bar because she realizes how old she is...
she's at home and hears the doorbell ring. It's the young guy that she was talking to @ the bar. She looks behind him and sees her extremely drunk friend in a car and the friend yells "Hey, you left that at the bar, bitch!!"
Honest to God, I think that was a foreshadowing into the future... I say inappropriate things like "you're hot as balls" and you call me a bitch every chance you get... There's no need for me to mention it's more than likely you would be drunk as well."

MELISSA: "....that oddly sounds like something I would do....but then I would have to sleep over your house while your banging out the hot piece that I dragged to your house without your permission....because he drove my car there and I no longer have the luxury of drinking and driving...at least not registered vehicles."

LAUREN: Yes, we need to make this happen. It's scary, this chick even kinda looks like you... she was just running and said "can we stop? It feels like my boobs are trying to kill me" (another thing you'd say.)

MELISSA: Im not gonna lie...that sounds alot like my life. We need to head back to Maryland and make this happen.


MELISSA: "Ok, I am watching Cougar Town and I am entertained...slightly annoyed but none the less. Every character other than the female neighbor and the hot divorced guy across the street can pretty much only be tolerated in small doses. I would likely agree... to marry the male slut across the street but that's solely as a result of his sarcastic quick wit, Olympic sexual appetite, and unwillingness to behave like an adult. I think I am in love."

LAUREN: "I liked the female neighbor the drunk friend and the divorced guy. I agree... he was really hot and I think he deserves my underwear balled in the corner of his living room. Courtney cox was tolerable at best, but mostly bcuz i enjoy moms acting more like teens then their kids. on tv... not real life. I'm not gonna lie.... I'm excited about the potential of this life.."

Thursday, September 24, 2009

My Concern:
A Dr. With A Conscience

Every Wednesday it is a weekly occurrence of mine to call Lauren and force her to comb through her mind in an effort to find something that might concern me. Believe me this is not a small feat to accomplish. I oddly care about very little. I believe this stems from me being amused by so much. How can I really be concerned about a subject that I mock profusely? In this lies my greatest dilemma as a writer. Yes, even greater than my inability to use the proper amount of commas in any given post, is my inability to find something "concerning" to write about. Last night Lauren was kind enough to stumble me onto the following.

Americans are outraged by the fact that the Obama Administration plans to overturn the Conscience Clause, which is a "statutory provision that permits individuals or institutions to refuse to provide or to pay for medical procedures on the basis of religious or moral beliefs". This basically means that if your doctor has a moral issue with your chosen type of care he is in no way obligated to adhere to your medical demands. In fact the entire facility, in which he practices medicine, is entitled to opt out of fulfilling your medical needs and/or desires.

While many Americans are outraged I find myself hopeful. A conscience has absolutely no place in a medical field. Americans have enough restrictions regarding health care. The majority of patients already have to consider co pays, deductibles, specialist rates, routine care restrictions, referrals, and in/out of network coverage. Isn't that enough? I find it highly problematic that in addition to all that I have to fret over whether or not my lady doctor is an avid mass attendee. In order to ensure that she is willing to perform the type of procedure that guarantees my month long dating mishap doesn't turn into a tragically epic romance involving carpool lanes and sordid affairs.

Who cares if the doctor doesn't agree with my chosen method of birth control being a bi-yearly tune up that leaves my insides as barren as a "Mollie," which by the way is a female mule. That's my poor decision making at work. It isn't his call. He gave up his right to make moral objections to medical procedures the day he took the Hippocratic Oath, vowing to provide the best care he can and respecting the rights of his patients. Or at least he should have.

Why does he get a moral get out of job free card, when lawyers don't. Lawyers have to hold their conscience at bay and adhere to their clients wishes, provided that their wishes are law abiding. They have to hush their concerns, ignore their "better judgement," and perform their assignments to the best of their abilities. Their job depends on it. Why should Doctors be any different?

I can only hope that the Obama Administration is successful at overturning this as quickly as possible. Until then, when selecting a physician I suppose I will have to follow up my routine credential questions with asking them to divulge their stances on baptism, limbo, the holy trinity, and unclean meats just to ensure I can receive adequate medical care. Ridiculous.

My Concern- Chronic Pregnancy Scares

I think we can all remember a pep talk you had to pretend to believe in order to keep a friend from throwing herself down a flight of stairs. I think most females, myself included, have been on either side of that pep talk. But the other extreme of this very normal situation is having your monthly period come as a complete shock to you every month. If instead of running for the bottle of Midol and a gallon of ice cream, you're popping bottles of Moet toasting to another dodged bullet, you're not doing something right. If your relationship is better measured in pregnancy scares than in years, it's time for a change. What can you say to a friend like this? Anything is better then the typical rolling of the eyes as you nudge their pack of birth control pills towards them suggestively.

I've experienced the painful reminder of having to take birth control pills daily, despite going through a sexual spell drier than the Sahara. But I have to admit it's better than having a child I'd likely have to send to a sweat shop in order to pay for diapers. If all else fails, make the Plan B pill your best friend. At least this best friend will be able to offer you more than the empty promise of "Don't worry, I'll babysit on weekends".


Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Cheap Shots

I was waiting for Khloe Kardashian to disappoint me. I guess I just hoped it would be in a less tragic manner. Let me start off my saying that any woman over the age of twenty that dives head first into a premature short-term engagement needs to be hung in the streets and left lifelessly as an example of what not to do.

Really Khloe? One whole month. Its almost as if she proposed to the first guy that upon meeting her didn't introduce himself then immediately ask "so...where's Kim?" I swear to God Khloe if your not pregnant I won't know what to think. Proposing to or agreeing to marry the first guy in years that has been willing to ball you out excessively just isn't good decision making. Lauren had such high hopes for you. Always the realist, I knew you would annihilate your humorous level headed image at some point. I just hoped it would be via a short run fling with a notorious bad boy, a sex tape or two, or maybe even by pooping out a bastard child like your other sister. You know, something I could excuse or even condone.

Cheap Shots- Randy Jackson

Seriously Randy? It's not bad enough that you constantly slap us in the face with your attempts at being young by abusing the word "dawg", but now you have to dress like you're 17 too? I'm ashamed of you; of this I am certain. The only thing I am not certain about it what is worse: the bubbles on your shirt or the bubble I can clearly see in your trousers. Of all the things I'd love to learn, discovering that you hang slightly to the right is at the button of the list.

You may know music, but adult fashion is clearly a complete stranger to you. I hope whoever you're talking to on the phone in this picture is advising you to kill yourself. Heed their advice... quickly.


Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Free Advice:
Ruben Studdard & Denise Warner

Second season American Idol winner Ruben Studdard took time out of his busy schedule of over consumption and serenading chubby chasing females everywhere that are plagued by low self esteem, to weigh in on the subject of Ellen DeGeneres replacing Paula Abdul as an American Idol judge. "Ellen has been in the industry for so long, I think her opinion most definitely matters. She's been around great talent for a long time. So I'm sure they wouldn't have asked her to be on the show if she doesn't have the ability to discern what's great talent and what's not," Ruben explained.

I don't know what confused me more. The fact that Ruben deems his opinions as appreciated or even useful or that someone was able to remember who exactly Ruben Studdard is not to mention manage to dig him up out of obscurity. There's nothing like having to interview a former reality star that is less "has been" more "never was" to let you know that your journalism abilities are about as appreciated as a vagina at a drag show.

My advice...... Ruben, stick to weighing in on subjects that you actually know a great deal about like the pros and cons of buffet style seating, or the usefulness of man girdles. As for the journalist that interviewed him, Denise Warner, if I were you I would switch career paths I hear Scores is always looking for nice young girls with talent. Sure you would have to take your clothes off in front of utter strangers for a few dollars but at least you wouldn't have to embarrass yourself by interviewing people that don't matter about subjects that nobody cares about. Plus you'll finally have an excuse to wear those clear platform heels buried deep within your closet. Good luck Ms. Warner, I hear its only nauseating the first couple of times you bare it all, unlike interviewing D list celebrities, which is stomach churning every time.

Lauren's Free Advice: Stop Sidewalk Ministries

As I walk to class, avoiding eye contact from the creepers I encounter daily, I look down at the imprints left in the cement. Some were dog paw prints, others were promises of love forever. For some reason, every time I walk by one particular message I go into shock all over again. It is then that I am reminded of the bizarre practices of some religious people. The message "Try Jesus" was written in all caps. More than I would like to meet the dummy that wrote that, I would like to meet the person that saw that message and ran promptly to the nearest church. I'm all about the freedom of speech and the desire of religious people to "minister" and recruit others to the flock... but really? In the cement? If it's true that when you get to heaven you get stars in your crown for every person you bring to God, I'd like to think that person will get a discolored and misshapen star for that half assed attempt at "spreading the gospel".

I can't stand the annoying knock at the door by the Jehovah's witnesses either, but at least they take it seriously. They would rather interrupt your dinner to ask if you've been saved than simply leave a note in your door. Now that's hard work.

On a positive note, these lame attempts at ministering probably work on some people. Considering my Adventist reflex to run to church in a frenzy of guilt has long been replaced with my strong desire sleep in on Saturdays, it's lost on me. But don't give up because I'm mocking you... you never know who's looking down hoping for the answer to all of life's questions.


Monday, September 21, 2009

News to Melissa
Bedsheet Break Out

Police: Escaped inmate rappelled down building using bedsheets

(CNN) -- Texas authorities on Sunday were searching for a convicted burglar who escaped from a medical facility by rappelling off the building using a string of bedsheets, officials said.

I don't know about you but nothing warms my heart like a good prison escape. Due to my inability to conform to a traditional lifestyle, my tendency to over indulge in mind altering substances, and my knack for running with the wrong crowd I realized a couple of years ago how easy it was to wind up on the wrong side of the law. My brief fling with county lock ups, probation officers, and legal fees definitely left an impression on me. I decided that this type of thing just wasn't an option for me. As a result of this I trickle out of the bar suddenly at the mention of police officers, keep my lawyer on retainer, and promised myself that if I was ever facing anything longer than a fourteen month spread my bags would be packed as soon as I made bail. A weekend visit is one thing leasing a room share there is quite another.

It is because of this that I enjoy the occasional prison escape movie and appear giddy when confronted with news of one of the escapes actually taking place in real life. Good luck to you sir. I can only hope your quick wit doesn't end there. Hopefully you'll realize that your best options now are a paperless job, a counterfeit green card, and an all around fresh start. I would avoid old hang outs and pissing off your baby's mother for awhile if I were you. I would be extremely disappointed if after all that effort you wound up getting hemmed up because she caught you at the bar with your next sexual conquest, and anonymously informed the county sheriff of your "likely" where abouts. Trust me, these things happen.

Entertainment Review: The Secret Life of Bees

"The shocker of the film was the fact that Jennifer Hudson wasn't as terrible as you'd expect. I can't remember her overall performance in Dream Girls, considering I was distracted by her voice, and of course, her girth. Her performance in Sex and the City was miserable. I waited for Simon Cowell to pop on screen and say something heartbreaking to remind us of her American Idol days. He unfortunately never showed."

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Thursday, September 17, 2009

My Concern- New Kate, Same Jon

"My next concern is the fact that he has been linked to another girl name Kate. Kate Major, who he has been reportedly calling "New Kate". Wouldn't that be a curse word by now? I wouldn't even be able to look at a movie starring actresses with the name Kate if I were him. Hell, I'd even stop dating white girls. That woman emasculated him for sport. Aren't those 8 kids enough of a reminder that your life has sucked until now?"

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Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Cheap Shots: Beyonce's VMA Reaction

"Let's use this as a learning experience. Dancing randomly with a blank background, a robot hand and flashing lights isn't always the winning option. Maybe now you will go back to actually planning for a video shoot rather than your routine of picking the first two girls you see wearing Bump-its and matching leotards. If you miss having three girls on stage, I ask that you bring Michelle and Kelly out of their depression and give them a job. Something tells me they are available."

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Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Cheap Shots:
Obama & The VMA's

"Mr. President, with all due respect I'd prefer you to focus on topics that actually matter. I commend you on keeping up to date with something as serious as Best Pop Video. However, when asked to publicly admit any knowledge of these incidents I would prefer that you deny it as adamantly as you do your smoking. After all you do have an image to uphold."

Click The Link Below For The Audio

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Melissa's Free Advice:
Amber Rose

"Poor Amber Rose. I can only assume that her tragedy of an outfit was an attempt to deter the masses from realizing what an asshole her boyfriend is. Unfortunately if you have a pulse, you have no doubt heard that her attempt was to say the least unsuccessful. Amber, when your date trolls the red carpet Henessey bottle in hand you may want to get a head start and begin your apologies prematurely. The night is bound to get rocky."

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Monday, September 14, 2009

Lauren's Free Advice: Lying... You're NOT a Thug.

"My advice: Stop the foolishness. You're never as tough as you think after attending church school for most of your life. Sure, you may drink and smoke. While this is rebellious within the church community, you're just the average joe in the rest of the world. I wouldn't rush to tattoo "Thug Life" on your chest."

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Entertainment Review: All Things Tyler Perry

"Don't expect a review for his newest movie. I haven't gathered enough quarters off the side of the road to pay for the ticket yet. I can't bare to pay $12 to see the same script with a different movie title. If I described a movie that consisted of a man dressed as a grandma who in some way helped a youth or woman in the community from an abusive situation, you wouldn't know which movie I was talking about."

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Friday, September 11, 2009

Good Cop/Bad Cop- Tila Tequila

" Despite the fact that she is likely the only reason Asian porn is booming, Tila Tequila has done literally nothing for our society. That aside, no one deserves to be choked out. Or should I say, allegedly choked out. Have we learned nothing from Chris Brown? Men need to stop putting their damn hands on women! That is unless that woman is like me and would likely get some sort of sexual satisfaction from it." "Good Cop"

"Tila, in case your wondering when a guy dates you he expects you to act like your claim to fame personality Tila Tequila. So don't be surprised if they attempt to pass you around like the party favor you once claimed to be. Of course you don't have to submit to their every tainted whim or desire, but I am sure you can understand their aggravation or at least anticipate it.
I'd invest in a couple of body guards if I were you, or at least a gun or some pepper spray. Just to ensure them it really was all just an act." " Bad Cop"

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Thursday, September 10, 2009

I'm Concerned.....

"I'm concerned that I may be getting to fat to mock fat people. Don't get me wrong I am not huge but I am nowhere near petite. I stand at an amazing 5'9, 65 percent of this are my embarrassing long legs, 25-34 percent are my basketball sized breasts, and we will say the rest is that keg of beer and McDonalds I devoured the other day."

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My Concern- Male Fashion

"If you ever show up to a party and the female you're trying to get at mentions that she has the same pair of jeans, she will likely never date you. Let that marinate for a while... If I wanted a partner to share my clothes with, I'd date a chick. Don't be offended if I walk away quickly. It's not you... I just don't want our periods to sync up."

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Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Tony Romo

"I have sadly come to the realization that while some athletes perform better knowing they have a hot little piece of ass waiting for them in the stands our quarterback gets as nervous and unfocused as I do once I realize the authorities have arrived. Romo, listen to me. Your about a season and a half away from Cowboys enthusiasts forgetting that you were once dubbed as being a promising young quarterback and Jerry Jones realizing T.O. wasn't really the problem."

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Cheap Shots- Tyra Banks

"But for some reason, every time I looked at her, I never saw a model. I saw something closer to a club hopping drag queen. She's naturally pretty, despite her forehead, so the additional layer of makeup along with the unconvincing weaves were just frustrating. After all, she is 5'10". The dangerous combination of height, weaves, too much makeup and stripper shoes screams drag queen. I'm an inch shorter than her and I shy away from anything with a heel higher than flip flops."

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Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Melissa's Free Advice
What Not To Do Regarding Break Ups

"I can't even began to tell you how many of my girlfriends have made me hold their phone and made me promise not to let them call him discovering the next morning that my phone was apparently hijacked. This only results in my number being saved as "Crazy Ex DONT ANSWER2" and me shrugging apologetically the next time I run into your ex beau at two for one."

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Lauren's Free Advice: Stop Asking Post-Breakup Questions

"Either way, you don't deserve that and they are total assholes for cheating. Just don't ask those questions. Take the recent snub and keep living your life with the last shred of dignity you have left. Key his car, sleep with his best friend, email his church those kinky pictures he took wearing nothing but a crucifix and the Bible... do whatever you have to in order to feel better about yourself without the use of foolish inquiries. It's pretty likely they will lie to you anyway."

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Monday, September 7, 2009

New to Melissa
Camel Toe Imprisonment

"'Tight pants' woman jailed for not paying fine"

(CNN) -- A woman put on trial for wearing clothing deemed indecent by Sudanese authorities was jailed Monday for refusing to pay a court-ordered fine, her lawyer said.


"What were you thinking? Two hundred and nine dollars versus 30 days, are you out of your fucking mind? Even kids in sweat shops make more than that in a month. Do you not realize in choosing jail, you loose money too, by way of not being able to incur income. From my experience your even likely to loose your job. Good job Dummy. How will you afford more slutty clothes now? SMH"

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Entertainment Review: 650 lb. Virgin

"Luckily for one girl out there, David decided to wait until he finds his wife before he has sex. Great, now she has to wait until she gets a ring before she fakes her way through the "It's OK... it happens to everyone" pep talk. I have to give it to him, he's smart. This way she has to go through years of legal battles to forget her worst sexual mishap, rather than the typical strategy of simply changing your phone number."

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Sunday, September 6, 2009

How We Got This Name...

"Lauren realized that the banter that she and Melissa was having was the stuff dreams were made of; it needed to go public. So she updated her Facebook status to "I'm trying to figure out who will give us a reality show". After a few comments, Lauren's mom decided to chime in. In an attempt to continue making fun of Lauren's "kinds of days" Lauren's mom said, "It's a Melissa, Lauren kind of show (still making fun of Laur)". So that very weekend, Melissa and Lauren sat in a bar... Lauren drinking a Sprite, Melissa sipping a beer. It was then that they started making plans to create a blog that gave us a chance to publicly mock the things that we once mocked privately. The title Melissa decided to go with... "It's a Melissa, Lauren Type of Thing."

Saturday, September 5, 2009

"Talk Shit, Get Hit!"
LaGerrette Blount vs. Byron Hout

"Talk Shit! Get Hit!" as an avid supporter of this type of jail house mentality its needless to say that I was very entertained by the video showing LaGarrette Blount, running back for Oregon donkey punching the Boise's defensive end Byron Hout after their devastating loss.
(Refer to You Tube Link Below)"

"Obviously it sucks to be Blount. I feel for him. His uncontrollable temper while sexually arousing, isn't exactly helpful when dealing with people in positions of authority. His career is over but at the end of the day it's apparent that he doesn't put up with any shit...from anyone. Unfair....maybe. A complete result of his own stupidity? It is decidedly so."

Friday, September 4, 2009

Good Cop (Melissa)/Bad Cop (Lauren)
- Dane Cook

"Don't be too hard on him people, at one point he really was quite entertaining. Just think of him how I do. It's kind of how boxing fanatics think of Mohamed Ali, minus all the love and adoration. While he was once entertaining and gifted at his craft it has become painfully obvious that he is no longer in "fighting form." It's cool Dane, no big deal just don't be the Brett Farve of stand up. Learn to bow out gracefully because right now the most entertaining portion of your comedy is seeing others mock it profusely. "
"Good Cop"

"I still have no idea how he became famous. I don't even know who to blame for his fame, but I guess I'll start with Melissa for going to several of his shows. If I could give him any feedback on how to not suck so bad, I'd let him know that just because you move really fast and talk really loud, doesn't mean what you're saying is funny." "Bad Cop"

Thursday, September 3, 2009

A Tale of Concern- Last Call Hook Ups

"Let me just start off by saying that I am a big fan of men. Love em. I understand them. I accept them. I find their logic and vagina hunting extremely entertaining. I wouldn't change them for the world. It concerns me however that women for the most part know about as much about the male psyche as my ninety-two year old grandmother does about dildos. Of course by concerned, I mean I find great amusement in this fact."

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Our Concerns- Animal Craze

"After Hurricane Katrina, a friend of friend was near tears when looking at all the destruction. Not because of all the human life that was lost, instead she kept sniffling and mumbling, "What's going to happen to all the animals? Poor animals!". Call me crazy, but my eyes focused more on the HUMAN BEING that was now creating a home on the roof of his neighbor's house, waiting for food or a ride to more stable ground."

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Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Cheap Shots -Whitney Houston

"Whitney Houston Is Fierce, Flaky On 'Good Morning America'"
"Houston strode onstage to "Bill," shouting "I love you!" to her fans during the song's opening lines, but midway through the track, her voice began to waver, and she spent the remainder of the song thrusting the microphone into the crowd, urging her fans to help her sing the chorus. "
see more of article @ http://www.mtv.com/news/articles/1620642/20090902/houston_whitney.jhtml

"I mean as long as she doesn't go on stage with a rubber band tied securely around her forearm and a needle in her arm I don't see what the real problem is. Id prefer she not grip the glass pipe tightly during performances or lift her head triumphantly after an encore flashing the white residue caked to her right nostril but I suppose I would be able to come up with some sort of explanation to tell my eight your old niece gazing at me curiously."

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Cheap Shots- Duggar Family

"After the 5th child, someone should have started dropping subtle hints by anonymously leaving condoms in their mail box. It's time to stop playing games, she needs to get her tubes tied immediately. Hopefully she'll realize that when this child dives out of her vagina like Michael Phelps, mumbling, "No need to push mom... I got this."

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Tuesday, September 1, 2009

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Melissa's Free Advice: Weekend Getaways

"On one hand she wants to tell the gentlemen that once was voted "most likely to get the chance to pillage her vagina" to fuck off and inform him never to call her again. At the same time she can't help but nervously eye the rope, strange bottle of pills, and the bucket filled with lotion in the corner of the room. Maybe grinning and bearing it for a couple of days is worth being able to actually return home with out having to endure years of therapy and explain to her friends why at 25 she still wets the bed."

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Lauren's Free Advice: Kourtney Kardashian

"This free advice is actually more directed at Kourtney Kardashian's unborn child: It's probably best that you get your umbilical cord securely around your neck and pray for a stillbirth. Do it quick, you only have a few months before you're born and you realize the family you're being born into."

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