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Monday, August 31, 2009

News To Melissa:

Police: Kidnap suspect fathered victim's kids

"Eighteen years ago, authorities said, he kidnapped 11-year-old
Jaycee Lee Dugard on her way to catch a school bus in South Lake Tahoe. Ever
since then, they said, he kept her prisoner in a squalid backyard compound near
Antioch, raping her and fathering two daughters by her - the elder of whom is
now 15............"

See more of this story @

"I can only hope that his fellow inmates treat him well during his prolonged stay and that they extend the same courtesies to him as he did to his house guests. I can only imagine what type of trouble they might have, however. Attempting to impregnate anally.....not once, but twice. From what I recall lube isn't obtainable on the good majority of commissary lists. Oh well. Best of luck"

Entertainment Review: Lars and The Real Girl

"As creepy as it may sound, this is somewhat of a dream come true for me. I'd never have to listen to another whining boyfriend, crying about not spending enough time with me. A doll would never complain that I never spend the night. A doll would never complain that I never look him in the eye. Most importantly, a doll will never, ever freak me out by saying I love you after a pregnancy scare."

Sunday, August 30, 2009

Snippets of Randomness
Episode 2

"yeah he called me up saturday and was like where are you can i borrow 100 dollars i will pay you back im right down the street i will be there in a minute i was like ok weirdo haha........he was acting scetchy and he was with wet pussy....they were up to something i didnt even ask"
*FYI-"wet pussy" is a nickname that this individual dubbed for a male friend of his"

Friday, August 28, 2009

Good Cop (Melissa)/Bad Cop (Lauren) - Tiny

"was it that long ago that she was dolled up in Xscape and everybody gushed about how cute she was....or was that just because she was surrounded by two avid Twinkie eaters and a suspected tranny? Either way, I was a fan. I thought she was cute then and still do now, even if she's got a few more miles on the tires."

"Good Cop"

"This bitch literally looks like Eureeka from Eureeka's Castle!!! I couldn't believe it! Don't get me wrong, I loved that show as a child, but no one wants to see their favorite puppet as a child in the form of a human. Can you imagine how freaked out you would be if Lamb Chops walked up to you in the mall? "
"Bad Cop"

Thursday, August 27, 2009

My Concern.... An Opportunity to Thin the Herd.

"The latest absurdity, are individuals, now suing loan companies for approving housing loans, that the individuals themselves knew they couldn't afford. Congratulations people you are the reason I am an avid supporter of loosening the purchasing restrictions on semi-automatic rifles. I believe it's about time we thinned the herd."

Watch Your Mouth....
Regarding Comments

"Dear Clueless.... that post was not there to debate the ups and downs of parenting. It's just simply here to mock you and point out why your child will likely need a helmet for the good majority of their adult life."

My Concern- Seeing your child on a leash

"I've seen some kids that need this kind of subhuman treatment, but even if my child was as evil as Chuckie, I would never announce it to the world by putting him on a leash like he was my rottweiler. What happened to the days when you'd simply slip your child some Benadryl to put him in a mentally lolled state in order to complete your daily chores?"

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

A Cheap Shot at- Politically Savy Celebrities

"Fame doesn't make you an expert on anything. If it did then why aren't we knocking down Jenna Jameson's door in order to hear her precious thoughts on foreign policy? Uh huh.....Exactly, because until we can "orally" resolve our conflicts she isn't very useful. Similarly whether we want to admit it or not, rapping and bitching unmercilessly about them, doesn't seem very promising either. When that changes I'll be the first one beating down Jenna, Jay Z, and Rush's figurative doors. Until then, I am wiping down my silencer."

Cheap Shots- Lauren London

"Not only was she disappointing enough to get in bed with Lil Wayne, but she also decided against visiting her local Planned Parenthood after hearing of her pregnancy. You'd expect this misstep from an insecure ugly chick that sleeps with any guy drunk enough to settle for her after last call at the bar. But she's actually pretty. Really pretty. Like the kind of pretty that could turn me gay by simply asking nicely."

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Melissa's Free Advice.....Just Say No - To Crocks

"I am willing to make an exception where children are concerned but this solely applies to kids that are unable to tie their own shoes, whether that be due to an age restriction or an indication of mental retardation, but that's where I draw the line. Unless your 12 year old has a matching blue helmet to go with his rubbery blue crocks, he is subject to scrutiny as well."

Lauren's Free Advice

"Ladies, stop trying to have serious conversations with people when you're intoxicated. Your drool rolling down your mouth and into your over exposed cleavage is not a signal to start talking to your wanna-be-boyfriend about your dream of being a tutor for autistic kids. I personally wouldn't want a girl like that to hold my bottle of water, much less my child."

Monday, August 24, 2009

The T.O. Show

"The hidden agenda for the show, only maybe it's not so hidden, is to show you the softer side of T.O. which he refers to as Terrell. Let's make footballs most hated player appear vulnerable and child like, so that we can forget about how he repeatedly mocked his competition as well as his teammates inability to match his skills. I get it, I even respect it. I am just not a fan of it."

Entertainment Review: Obsessed

"Thanks to Idris Elba and his chocolaty goodness, I reconsidered the riot I planned on starting in order to get some kind of entertainment from this terrible movie experience. It's only because of him that I took my hands out of my pants long enough to give the movie screen the finger for this terrible imitation of a good movie. "

Friday, August 21, 2009


"Keep assuming I am as racist as you are and I promise I'll keep bringing around whatever race it is that makes you the most uncomfortable. I guess you could decide this is in an attempt to break down your racial barriers, or promote racial harmony.....but if you think that I'll just assume your parents idea of entertaining you when you were little was handing you a bottle of spray paint and instructing you on the most effective methods of huffing."

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Vagina Dr.

"She spoke softly while she violated me; she was very kind and sweet. In an effort to calm me even more, she complimented my hoo ha-- something I'm still not sure how I feel about. I can't prove it, but I think she may have even knitted a little welcome mat and left it down there. I didn't know if I should kiss her or shake her hand, but luckily she took the wheel on this one. She washed her hands, turned to me than shook my hand. I'm just glad it was in that order."

The Judgmental Quasi-Christian

"If we listened to the Bible in its entirety women wouldn't be allowed to speak in church and we'd be stoned for not being virgins at marriage. If we listen to parts and ignore others, I wonder what is next. Will it be alright to kill someone as long as it's on a Tuesday? This just shows me that we all have more in common then we think... we all looked the other way on the "no sex before marriage" idea a long time ago. Besides, if you really wanted to be "Christ-like", you'd be Jewish."

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Check Your Status

"FACEBOOK USER:Apparently flirting is the new blow job.... (relieved). Life just got a little easier.

RESPONSE(S): Saves you couple of minutes and a cramp in your jaw. Congrats.
RESPONSE(S): I dunno about all that...
RESPONSE(S): haha! Work smarter -- not harder!!"

We Take Tragedies....and Mock Them.

Woman left newborn in portable toilet, police say
(CNN) -- A 44-year-old Maryland woman faces charges of child abuse after police say she gave birth in a portable toilet and dropped the newborn into the waste tank.
-find this @ http://www.cnn.com/2009/CRIME/07/02/maryland.toilet.birth/index.html

"Melissa: Bright side....this child will be one of the few that when asked.... "where were you born?" actually has an interesting answer. signed - Your Bright Side Fairy*Your Welcome
I for one am now a little jealous, and every time I am asked this question.... i will sigh heavily glance at the floor and answer sheepishly... "just a hospital"

"The Vibrations of The Cars!!!!"

"I am secretly still trying to come up with a scheme that results in those vibrating bikes winding up in my bedroom surrounded by dim lights and scented candles.......but then I would likely never bother with an actual relationship again. "

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Our Social Concerns

"If I had the chance to opt out of paying for certain things, I'd go for not paying for public schools... I've seen the product of a public education. If this applies to you, don't be offended. You'll see the point I'm trying to make when you realize you can't even name the 50 states."

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Cheap shots

"The idea that terrifies me the most is that she isn't just rebelling, she's just dumb enough to believe what happens in the bedroom with your boyfriend and his man bangs, will stay in the bedroom. Clearly, that's the furthest thing from the truth. So what is my prediction for Vanessa? Next stop: Chlamydia."

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Melissa'a Free Advice
Become a Fan of....Praying (quietly)

"It quite honestly puts a smirk on my face, picturing God checking His news feed in anticipation that someone might be using this new avenue of communication to send a shot out to the Almighty. I giggle uncontrollably at the thought of Him checking his fan page statistics to see who's become a fan. I wonder if He hides the individual's update as quickly as I do, or at least takes notice that in between "prayers" they are sending rounds of shots, playing mafia wars and tagging themselves in their wet t-shirt contest snapshots. "

Lauren's Free Advice

"I understand the line asks the tempting question of "what's on your mind?". But maybe it's time to pretend that the status update bar is the guy you've been trying to trap into marriage asking if you're on the pill... either lie or change the subject. If you still feel the need to tell all, just know my respect for you decreases with every :-( or excessive use of the acronym "FML". "

Monday, August 10, 2009

Entertainment Review Type of Thing

"I was willing to ignore the fact that America Ferrera can't possibly fit in the same jeans as the other size 2 girls in the first movie, but now that they made a sequel, it's time to acknowledge it. No matter how entertaining the movie could have been, I just couldn't get past the idea of what magic it would take to get the jeans past Ferrera's knees."

Sunday, August 9, 2009

Snippets of Randomness
Episode 1

"when i asked him if he screwed that crack head he said i dont know i might of"

Friday, August 7, 2009

Matchmakers Beware.

"If you schedule accidental encounters, odds are I will end up floating to the other side of the bar with the town drunk laughing at his unexpected bursts of profanity and references to his favorite sex position the "poke and choke", just to violently resist your gentle urge."

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Pee on the Tiolet

"I must admit, depending on the person talking, a few words be of comfort... I tend to get a little stage fright. So if you're ever next to me in the stall, a simple humming sound or shouting random words will suffice. It takes a lot to make me feel uncomfortable, but the mental picture I obtain from having a conversation while using the bathroom is usually one that only a highly skilled therapist can erase. "

Assimilation....or Just A Comical Embarassing Immitation?

"I love cornrows, but retired them mainly because I have a large forehead and frankly it's just not a good look for us outside of professional athletes and island get-a-ways. I know what luster's pink lotion is, and how miraculously it tames stubborn cowlicks, but haven't used it since I was in high school mainly because it's less accessible to me now and I'm too lazy to go to sally's beauty supply to purchase it. I was on my middle school step team, taught myself how to double dutch, and can probably do drop curls better than any white girl alive, outside of hair care professionals. I am that girl, or at least I was...and in some ways always will be. "

Saturday, August 1, 2009

What Happened to Music?

"We don't have to reach too far back to remember the Brian McKnight's of R&B. These are the songs you could imagine playing at your wedding or simply listening to without blushing. Now the compliment of "I'll always love you" has been replaced with an astounding "you the fucking best, you the best I ever had". Not to say I don't like that song, I'm just saying... I wouldn't walk down the aisle to it unless I was sending a clear message I don't want my marriage to work."

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