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Thursday, July 30, 2009

Forwards


"The empty threat forward: This requires me to forward the message to 10 or more people or I will die of a flesh eating disease. I actually get angry because the most intelligent people I know are usually the ones that forward it with a message saying, "I'm not gonna risk it!". Really? The only reason I would believe that forward is if every one in my address book suddenly becomes stricken with leprosy."

Church of Melissa


"I am a Seventh-Day Adventist....kind of. I identify myself with this particular religion primarily because I grew up this way and I've put some time in. I honestly agree with a good amount of the guidelines, despite following very little of them. I suppose I see them more as suggestions to better living rather than ultimatums regarding eternal hell fire. "

Honestly Honest Box?


"If any of you are avid facebook users, odds are you have had at least a one night stand with the Honesty Box. For those of you who are unfamiliar, it is basically an application posted on an individuals profile page, where you can say anything you want with no repercussions...except the subjects response of course. This is basically the wet dream of verbal cowards. Let me tell you why I hate you, or love you...but could never tell you until I could do it anonymously."

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

The Bald Chick


"I can imagine the view from behind would be unsettling, to say the least. You'd be surprised how comforting the presence of a pony tail and the lack of a shape up is to a guy when he's taking care of business back there. I sometimes think that the occasional fistful of hair is a guy's way of saying to your hair, "I'm glad you're here, I wouldn't have it any other way".

10 Questions that Plague Lauren&Melissa


"#5. If someone has a complete sex change than years later finds Jesus and repent, who does the church recommend they date? The opposite sex of who they use to be, or who they are now, and how does that effect their future partners risk of eternal damnation?"

"#9. Why is it OK to shoot and kill deer for sport, but not OK to make dogs fight?"

I'm In the Know.

"So, you and whats his face are done now right, your completely single?" he asked excitedly. I sighed, and took a sip of beer. Then countered with the only appropriate response...."Excuse me! Can I get the check??"

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Lauren's Free Advice




"Granted, you have a right to eat what you want in public. Just remember, I have the same right to tap you on the shoulder and show you the tears I'm crying in laughter after hearing my brother say something perverted about what else you can "shove in your mouth".


Monday, July 27, 2009

I'll Beat Your A$$ ......


Basic Topic: Fight Stories

"I just find the good majority of these tall tales annoying. Primarily because they offer no amusement they are never dashing me with imagery involving the hog tie-ing of mascots, or the tackling of clowns, there are no bar brawls with celebrities, and oddly enough I typically have never even met the other person in these self proclaimed heavy weight bouts"

Sunday, July 26, 2009

Troubling Signs ...Indicators of a Down Low Husband



"I am in no way implying that if your husband isn't banging you like a teenager he is gay, because that's just not true. Cheer up, there is hope, he may very well just be enjoying a more simpler heterosexual affair. There are a whole different set of signs for that sort of thing. But on the off chance that its me banging your husband, Ill just keep those to myself"

How You Know Your Boyfriend Is Gay (According to Lauren)


"At this time, the only thing you need to do is pack your bags and leave quickly, because not only are you dating a gay guy, but he just figuratively busted out of the closet singing Barbara Streisand's greatest hits. It's only a matter of time before he starts watching Desperate Housewives, borrowing your skinny jeans, and offering to flat iron your hair."


The Ugly Truth About The Ugly Truth


I got more original information about the single male psyche watching The Little Women. The broad generalizations were more abundant then the jokes that actually made you laugh. Overall, this movie was drenched in disappointment. For all you single girls out there just trying to increase your dating IQ, you're honestly better off watching The Rock of Love for tips, because this movie will sorely let you done."

The Ugly Truth... not your typical movie review


"All and all if the delicious effect Gerard Butler had on my southern region, didn't make it impossible for me to exit the premises quickly and quietly, I probably would have left and snuck into Harry Potter."

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Lauren's Free Advice

It’s pretty natural for girls to turn to their friends when they need guidance on relationship related issues. I may not be your friend, but this little nugget of advice is free:

If you spent the first 2 months of your relationship trying to figure out where you know your boyfriend from, only to find that he was a recurring sting victim on To Catch a Predator, it's time to see other people. The warning signals for this are that every time you role play he insists you wear the "school girl" outfit. He's also no longer attracted to you between waxes, claiming the pre-pubescent look is more "authentic" to the role. That's not a good enough reason and he is not going change. Leave him alone.

Best wishes sweet peas. Keep looking… “the one” is out there. Let’s just hope he’s straight.

The Biting Truth


Basic Topic: Chris Brown & Rihanna Beating

"I honestly feel bad for the guy, not because he has to come crawling begging to the media in order to receive his celebrity pardon, typically reserved for the likes of celebrities such as Michael Jackson or R. Kelly, but that he has the brawling capabilities of a twelve year old girl. Tell me Rihanna, after he bit you...what was the encore of the bout? Did he pinch you? Pull your hair? Maybe whip you with a towel?"

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Sorry...

Basic Topic: Chris Brown & Rihanna Beating

"Let me be completely transparent. I'm not an advocate for domestic violence offenders. I was kind of OK with the idea of Jay-Z making good on his threat to kick Chris' ass. He needs to have some repercussions. But the only difference between Chris and me is that he makes his mistakes in public, and I make mine in cheap motels (I kid!). He said he's sorry. So let's pretend like we're 5 and I just drank your juice box... let's move on."

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Temperature War


On a daily basis, I sit in a refrigerator that these people call an office. While you're comfortable in the realization that your hot flash has been combated by the blasting AC, I'm busy trying to keep hypothermia from stopping my heart. On several occasions, I've looked down at my shirt and thought, "How did those raisins get down there," only to realize they were my nipples about to explode out of my shirt."

Monday, July 20, 2009

Grow Up.

"If I wanted to be boringly bitter, I would have settled down and married the first guy I dated out of high school. You know, not the one I really fell for, the other one. The one I could have treated like shit and gotten to support me and however many kids I decided to poop out. If I wanted to pack my car full of ruder mini versions of myself I wouldn't have popped morning after pills as if they were Pez. If I wanted to hate my job and myself for having to wake up ridiculously early every morning, I would have settled into a more traditional form of employment."

Stereotypical

"Not only did she completely not do her job, but she also managed to work chicken into the conversation. All I needed was for her to make that popping sound with her mouth before it was complete. They say stereotypes are oversimplified ideas applied to an entire population... just never forget someone, some where, is a stereotype exemplified. Let's try not to be that person."

Friday, July 17, 2009

Racial Confusion


"Trying to avoid the arguments of "you're not black enough" or "you don't look Asian" is an additional annoyance when you're just as confused about how to "define" yourself as everyone else. I'll keep trying to explain my heritage, you keep being confused. That makes two of us."

Thursday, July 16, 2009

That's What You Have Me For.


Basic Topic: Maid of Honor

"Unless your wedding includes a red veil, fuck me heels, and a pre-nup that includes exceptions to exclusivity, just allow me to sit in the audience. Only remember to put me near the door just in case you change your mind and want me to have the car ready, but that part would be completely up to you."

Single

"I must admit I took my initial dating cues from my brothers. One was a serial lover, while the other is now a former stick-and-mover. I must say apart of me admired them both since I was incapable of either experience. While polar opposites in some ways, they both sent me the same message; loving someone is fine, but let the words come out of your mouth kicking and screaming. I've come to grips with, at times, having the desire to express emotions comparable to a hardened criminal. We'll see if there is a guy in the world that is OK with that."

Reality at it's worst...plus alcohol.


"But allow me the opportunity to watch seven strangers, with no talent, attempt to drink each other under the table, and slowly come to the realization that they were put together because they won't mesh well....and I am in complete awe for the next hour. If i didn't have a dvr, id probably pee myself on a regular basis, just because I can't risk missing the explanation of who threw a used condom in the hot tub."

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

I Better Sh*t.


"IBS stands for I Barely Shit. My spastic colon is probably wrapped so tightly around itself that simply considering passing stool calls for celebration. With this kind of screwed up situation going on in my body teamed up with a overly sensitive stomach, drinking alcohol at this point would likely feel like rubbing your fingers in salt then touching an open wound."

The Pummeling of My Lungs


Basic Topic: Smoking

"After all, they know what their doing. Just like your morbidly obese neighbor, realizes that maybe five Big N Tastys….are a bit much. Funny how no one makes him sit and eat outside, I find the thought of him raping the dollar menu a lot more nauseating then a lit cigarette, but that’s just me."

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Jon & Kate: Match made in Bizzaro Heaven

"After their recent announcement that they are filing for divorce, I heard a collective gasp of sarcastic shock sound around the country. Even that blind guy from American Idol could have seen this coming."
"As for those kids… Let’s hope Mady finds someone as easily manipulated as her father, because she’s a mini-bitch already."

Breeding Habits of A Great Dane

Basic Topic: Jon & Kate, Plus 8

"For god sake you all saw what her stomach looked like, imagine how her vagina feels, at this point thrusting into her would probably run a close tie to mounting a slip and slide. "

Monday, July 13, 2009

Usher....you're lame.

Basic Topic: Michael Jackson

"As he finished his version of "Gone Too Soon," a handful of people walked towards him. My first reaction was excitement; I thought for sure they were a gang come to take out his knee caps. As I started to salivate at the idea of an Usher-less world, I realized it was Michael's family. Damn. Of all of MJ's fans, Usher is the most infuriating. He has one more time to use his "I'm about to cry" voice before I poop bone".

Save a Child, Kill....Michael????

BASIC TOPIC: MICHAEL JACKSON

"I am only saying what you’re thinking. Be truthful, if your child came home and told you that he spent one on one time with someone that held a great likeness to the king of pop, you would be loading your glock this very instant, and informing the Mrs. that you may have to go away for awhile."

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