"I am a Seventh-Day Adventist....kind of. I identify myself with this particular religion primarily because I grew up this way and I've put some time in. I honestly agree with a good amount of the guidelines, despite following very little of them. I suppose I see them more as suggestions to better living rather than ultimatums regarding eternal hell fire. "
"So, you and whats his face are done now right, your completely single?" he asked excitedly. I sighed, and took a sip of beer. Then countered with the only appropriate response...."Excuse me! Can I get the check??"
Basic Topic: Fight Stories
"I just find the good majority of these tall tales annoying. Primarily because they offer no amusement they are never dashing me with imagery involving the hog tie-ing of mascots, or the tackling of clowns, there are no bar brawls with celebrities, and oddly enough I typically have never even met the other person in these self proclaimed heavy weight bouts"
"I am in no way implying that if your husband isn't banging you like a teenager he is gay, because that's just not true. Cheer up, there is hope, he may very well just be enjoying a more simpler heterosexual affair. There are a whole different set of signs for that sort of thing. But on the off chance that its me banging your husband, Ill just keep those to myself"
"At this time, the only thing you need to do is pack your bags and leave quickly, because not only are you dating a gay guy, but he just figuratively busted out of the closet singing Barbara Streisand's greatest hits. It's only a matter of time before he starts watching Desperate Housewives, borrowing your skinny jeans, and offering to flat iron your hair."
I got more original information about the single male psyche watching The Little Women. The broad generalizations were more abundant then the jokes that actually made you laugh. Overall, this movie was drenched in disappointment. For all you single girls out there just trying to increase your dating IQ, you're honestly better off watching The Rock of Love for tips, because this movie will sorely let you done."
It’s pretty natural for girls to turn to their friends when they need guidance on relationship related issues. I may not be your friend, but this little nugget of advice is free:
If you spent the first 2 months of your relationship trying to figure out where you know your boyfriend from, only to find that he was a recurring sting victim on To Catch a Predator, it's time to see other people. The warning signals for this are that every time you role play he insists you wear the "school girl" outfit. He's also no longer attracted to you between waxes, claiming the pre-pubescent look is more "authentic" to the role. That's not a good enough reason and he is not going change. Leave him alone.
Best wishes sweet peas. Keep looking… “the one” is out there. Let’s just hope he’s straight.
Basic Topic: Chris Brown & Rihanna Beating
"Let me be completely transparent. I'm not an advocate for domestic violence offenders. I was kind of OK with the idea of Jay-Z making good on his threat to kick Chris' ass. He needs to have some repercussions. But the only difference between Chris and me is that he makes his mistakes in public, and I make mine in cheap motels (I kid!). He said he's sorry. So let's pretend like we're 5 and I just drank your juice box... let's move on."
"If I wanted to be boringly bitter, I would have settled down and married the first guy I dated out of high school. You know, not the one I really fell for, the other one. The one I could have treated like shit and gotten to support me and however many kids I decided to poop out. If I wanted to pack my car full of ruder mini versions of myself I wouldn't have popped morning after pills as if they were Pez. If I wanted to hate my job and myself for having to wake up ridiculously early every morning, I would have settled into a more traditional form of employment."
"Not only did she completely not do her job, but she also managed to work chicken into the conversation. All I needed was for her to make that popping sound with her mouth before it was complete. They say stereotypes are oversimplified ideas applied to an entire population... just never forget someone, some where, is a stereotype exemplified. Let's try not to be that person."
Basic Topic: Maid of Honor
"Unless your wedding includes a red veil, fuck me heels, and a pre-nup that includes exceptions to exclusivity, just allow me to sit in the audience. Only remember to put me near the door just in case you change your mind and want me to have the car ready, but that part would be completely up to you."
Basic Topic: Smoking
"After all, they know what their doing. Just like your morbidly obese neighbor, realizes that maybe five Big N Tastys….are a bit much. Funny how no one makes him sit and eat outside, I find the thought of him raping the dollar menu a lot more nauseating then a lit cigarette, but that’s just me."
"After their recent announcement that they are filing for divorce, I heard a collective gasp of sarcastic shock sound around the country. Even that blind guy from American Idol could have seen this coming." "As for those kids… Let’s hope Mady finds someone as easily manipulated as her father, because she’s a mini-bitch already."
Basic Topic: Jon & Kate, Plus 8
"For god sake you all saw what her stomach looked like, imagine how her vagina feels, at this point thrusting into her would probably run a close tie to mounting a slip and slide. "
Basic Topic: Michael Jackson
"As he finished his version of "Gone Too Soon," a handful of people walked towards him. My first reaction was excitement; I thought for sure they were a gang come to take out his knee caps. As I started to salivate at the idea of an Usher-less world, I realized it was Michael's family. Damn. Of all of MJ's fans, Usher is the most infuriating. He has one more time to use his "I'm about to cry" voice before I poop bone".
BASIC TOPIC: MICHAEL JACKSON
"I am only saying what you’re thinking. Be truthful, if your child came home and told you that he spent one on one time with someone that held a great likeness to the king of pop, you would be loading your glock this very instant, and informing the Mrs. that you may have to go away for awhile."
