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Monday, January 16, 2012

News to Me: Serena Williams' Love Life


Maybe I'm the last to know that Common was involved with Serena Williams, so forgive me for my late expression of disgust. There was a recent article write up about her love life, or lack there of, that reports she "can be super picky, never satisfied". Talk about beggars being choosers! There is no amount of money or talent in the world that can convince me that she is worth the attention of Common. There is a basic law of the universe that comes into play here: if you look like a derivative of a horse, you forfeit your right to be "super picky". You take what the hell you can get. The article goes on to say that Serena complains that she hasn't been on a date in "forever". I wonder why.


This is a common complaint I hear among women that frustrates me. Women as a gender are exceptionally more picky when it comes to dating then men. After a first date, a man is more likely to be interested in a second date with a woman if she is attractive, fun, and somewhat interesting. Women will refuse a second date because she didn't like the color shoes a man was wearing, a joke that he made, or how he pronounced particular wine. If you're single and actively want a mate, sometimes you have let certain bullshit go in order to see if there are things beneath it all that are worth coming back for. Don't get me wrong, I've refused a second date with a guy because I thought he had a lame tattoo and called too much, but I also didn't go home that night wanting a boyfriend. Being single/content and single/miserable are two very different things. The perfect man does not exist. Your only goal in dating should be to find a man whose annoying flaws aren't total deal breakers (i.e. abusive, cheating, and/or Katherine Heigl fan).

The moral of the story is, stop being so picky, ladies. And if at all possible, avoid looking like a horse.

-Lauren

Thursday, January 12, 2012

Good Cop/Bad Cop: Kim Kardashian



Good Cop

I'm not gonna say that I've never seen her shows, I will say however that I paid it about as much attention as I would to an autistic child in a spelling bee. The attempt is there but there's a real lack of results which is expected. It is because of this that I have no real disdain for Kim K, and I call her that out of sheer refusal to attempt to spell her ridiculous last name. I will say this while the majority of our nation is appalled at her marital mishap I find myself strangely relieved. I like the idea that I have had benders longer then this woman's vows were honored. She reminds myself and other morally loose women that marriages aren't as hard to get out of as everyone says. Nothing quite takes the pressure off the big day like realizing that tomorrow if you wake up and want out it'll take less time to leave your husband bitter, heart broken, and embarrassed then it did to sign the pre-nup. That'll do Kim, That'll do.
-Meliss

Bad Cop

Congratulations. The few people that liked you, which is likely those with an IQ equivalent to an autistic parrot, now realize what I've seen from the beginning: you're nothing more than a huge ass and a boring lay (thanks for shining the light on that Ray J!). As time goes on, we learn more and more that you planned your entire relationship and wedding in order to let it fail. I will never be that girl that will get on a soap box and yell about the "sanctity of marriage", but it's also hard to come by someone that would spread their cheeks and shit on it quite as violently as she did. If she didn't know that she was going to divorce him from the beginning, I strongly believe she would have done a better job in trying to conceal her marital woes rather than airing them out so apparently. It doesn't matter what her family says in her defense, especially that botoxed mother that gets 10%. We all know this was a shame. I seriously hope the Kim K hype can die down after this disgusting ploy for attention and ratings. Khloe is the only one that can make me put down the rusty razor long enough to finish watching the episode. Oh, did I not mention that I watch their shows? Like, all of their shows. Shit, I guess I'm officially a part of the problem....

Lauren


Say What?!?!


I'm not gonna say that I'm difficult to amuse. I will say however, that it takes a very special kind of person to catch me off guard enough to leave me speechless. Working as a bartender I undoubtedly get to experience a very special work environment. This is a fragment of one of the many conversations that I've been a part of at work that has left me bewildered at the very least.

GUY1: Yea, you know I'm still dating that deaf chic.
GUY2: Oh yea. Hows that?
Guy1: Good. I guess. I mean she trips some. Its cool though when she keeps riding my shit and nagging me. I call her and leave her multiple voice mails. Who's mad now bitch????
Guy1/Guy2: burst out laughing


....I guess if I do go to hell. I wont be alone. *sigh*
-Melissa

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Cheap Shots: Short People

I ran into an old friend the other day. She looked great; she had just had a baby and lost all the gross motherly weight. Until then, I had never noticed just how short she was. That is, until she went in for the awkward hug. Where do you put your hands on a person that barely looks your vagina in the face? I always struggle in the format in these types of situations. I'm entirely too lazy to bend down too far. Yet if I don't, you're unable to breathe with a mouth full of boob.

Short people freak me out, plain and simple. The little fingers, clothing that looks fresh off of a Buddy Doll, and shoe sizes I couldn't fit when I was a toddler-- none of it sits right with me. I don't trust them; what are you doing all the way down there under everyone's natural line of vision? I tip my hat to the little Asian girls that wear high heels even with their sweatpants in an effort to compensate for their limitations.

I once dated a guy shorter than me. The relationship could not reach it's full potential considering that as a 5'9" female, I reserve the right to bounce on my lap and tickle anyone that is smaller than me. Apparently, that's not conducive to a healthy relationship or letting a man feel like a man. Oh well, you live and you learn.

Cheap Shot: That Girl


That Girl:
Everyone
knows her yet no one claims to be her. Perhaps all women are her at one point in time. She's nice, caring, sympathetic, and understanding. All good qualities which most likely contribute to her being gullible and prone to being taken advantage of.

Maybe at one point she was appreciated and valued but no one knows for sure. All we do know is that presently
she is a blubbering mess that chases around a guy that's sole interest in her is monetary.

Oh sweetheart, drinks are on you no doubt, but so is rent, his child support, and the cost to repair the damage he did to your car. I'm not gonna lie this type of female makes me wish I was a lesbian for monetary gain alone. When did females become so vulnerable and idiotic. How are we as a gender completely capable of passing a watermelon through our vaginal opening then return to work in a few weeks, yet some of us can't summon the strength to tell our other half to get a job. I may be the minority here but I'd let you plow through all of my girlfriends before I'd let you drain my bank account. Say what you want about a broken heart but I'd take that over botched credit any day.

Still not sure if I'm talking about you? Still convinced that your situation is completely different? Sure, there are signs and clues to let you know that you are in fact "that girl" that we all mock publicly, but lets face it you wouldn't listen to them anyway. Maybe you'd listen but you'd be to busy identifying out to put two and two together. So why should I bother?

Eventually you will have alienated yourself from half of your friends, all of your money and most of your self respect will have disappeared. These things happen, at least to you they do. So know this, when you have given him your last twenty and your gas tank is empty, your nails are in need of a fill in, and your car payment is two months over due he will no doubt be doing what he has always done. Leaving you at home crying and wondering what you did wrong, while he catches up with me at the bar and buys me drinks all night. I guess we all win...... well, two out of three ain't bad.
-Melissa

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Free Advice: Baby Showers


A month or so ago I was talked into attending yet another baby shower. It was a tedious negotiation that had to be beefed up with promises of alcoholic beverages, a designated driver, and exemption from any and all baby shower games.

In preparation for this debacle I agreed to go half in on a diaper cake, whatever that was. I learned shortly that this was not something we would be buying, this we were going to create. Needless to say I only contributed financially and watched my childless underage friend happily spend and an hour and a half making a three tier cake out of diapers, lotion, toys, rubber bands, and ribbon. I actually would have been impressed had I had any intention of using my ovaries for anything other then a solid excuse to thwart off undesirable sexual relations. So I did what I do, while she happily made the cake envisioning what I would guess would be her own baby shower I drank a few beers and managed to mock her profusely. She was a good sport about it. I contribute this mainly to the fact that she too was drinking beer.

By the time we arrived all of the women were more than a few drinks in w/the exception of the mother to be of course. This made the air of contempt and bitterness quite pungent. She was surrounded by primarily older woman with the exception of a few, one being my noticeably intoxicated driver. You could tell that the soon to be mom was rethinking her enthusiasm. All she got to hear was how much pain labor was, the downward spiraling of their bodies, "if I had it to do all over" agains, and the pleasant sound of me popping open another beer. Needless to say I was amused even if my tubes were literally attempting to tie themselves. The "mother to be"'s mood was to say the least changing as the day progressed. I imagine she was rethinking her plight into motherdom or at least contemplating smuggling a bottle of wine into the bathroom with her. I suppose I'll never know.

I do know this however, the ideal audience for a baby shower is not a handful of menopausal women that hate their children and want a do over, a thirty year old mother that misses her vagina, a twenty-seven year old that eats morning after pill like their pez to thwart off oopsies, and a drunk twenty year old that just realized she likes drinking a lot more than changing diapers.

While epically entertaining for me it's not at all reassuring to you. A little free advice limit your guest lists to enthusiastic mothers to be or sober mommy drones. If you don't know any then perhaps you should skip the shower all together. I bet peace of mind and excitement of your upcoming vaginal sacrifice is worth a lot more then all the shitty presents you received at the baby shower even the diaper cake.

-Melissa

Blue



Jay Z wasted absolutely no time in writing and recording a new song featuring his brand new daughter who got her name from her father's favorite color. Creative. My favorite color is that magical hue you get when you accidently mix your ketchup and honey mustard, so beat that.

Am I the only one confused about Jay Z's proclamation that Blue is his "greatest creation"? Some where in the world, his son is slitting his wrist with a shard of plastic from a broken copy of the Black Album. I was rather anxious to be able to see the pics of the baby. That was until Jay Z so eloquently remarked in his song that "she looks like a little me". After spitting the vomit out of my mouth, I quickly lost interest in ever seeing this baby. It's hard enough to look at Jay Z in the face without having the sudden urge to watch Lord of the Rings. I'd prefer never to see that goblin-esque face on a miniature body. Poor thing. Clearly, money can't buy a cute kid. ("Believe me, I've tried" -Angelina Jolie)

My first wish, in the name of all things fair, was that the child would come out looking only of her mother. Since that dream is apparently floating out of reach, I just hope she doesn't turn out just as annoying and precocious as Will Smith's kids. Though, even after a few days, Blue now has just as much of an annoying singing career as Willow Smith.




-Lauren

Monday, January 9, 2012

Back in the Throw of Things

There's a time to give the people what they want and there's a time to walk out on stage, bringing false hopes and anticipation, only to drop the mic and disappear. We probably pulled a Chapelle prematurely with our blog and that's unfortunate. So here's our attempt to get back in the throws of things; to reach greater heights of entertainment and hilarity, and earn back your trust. We're going to treat this like we would treat any relationship we left too quickly and without a clear reason: we will tell you that you're still sexy and that we thought of you every moment we were apart, all the while knowing it is a distinct possibility that we may leave again, also without a good reason or even an obligatory good bye. So, we're sorry in advance.

Not a lot has changed. Melissa is still drunk, only in a different state. She's still bartending and refusing to adhere to an adult standard of living. Lauren's going the stand up comedy route, while Melissa is sticking to book writing. Lauren paid her dues and worked as a therapist for a time, but realized quickly that listening to people talk about their tragic lives without being able to laugh at it was a living hell.


We're a little older. Melissa's a little thinner and we're both a little more tatted up. Aside from that we're still the same. If we can't entertain you or at least shock and offend you then the next time you see us out and about, your first drink is on us. Well... it's on Melissa. It would be hard to find Lauren in a bar these days (with the exception of the occasional open mic). Here's to another few weeks of fun.

-Melissa & Lauren

Monday, October 12, 2009

Entertainment Review: Away We Go


Simply put, this is probably one of the greater movies out. Why? Because it has two of my favorite things: an interracial couple and Jim from The Office. The on-screen chemistry he has with his girlfriend in this movie was comparable to his with Pam. I don't particularly find him attractive, mostly because of that annoying flip his hair does, but anytime I see him on screen I seem to fall for him.

Literally all the supporting characters were hilarious in their own way too- whether it be because they are drunk and terrible parents, or because they are so delightfully flawed in a subtle way that it makes you realize the humanity of the character.

Spoiler: The first clip consists of John Krasinski going down on his girlfriend. If that doesn't send you running to Blockbuster, I don't know what will.

~Lauren

Friday, October 9, 2009

Agreeing to Agree: David Letterman Scandal



Occasionally while skimming through the possible topics for our Good Cop/Bad Cop topics we stumble on to a topic that we can't help but agree on. Though we take turns attempting to play devils advocate on a regular basis occasionally we are unable to find any logic what so ever in the opposing parties argument, even enough to mock it profusely. We like to call these moments Agreeing to Agree. This is basically were we mock all parties involved, particularly the people on the opposing side of the fence. This is one of those times where we caught our selves "Agreeing to Agree."

David Letterman recently outed himself to his viewers as a morally lose, skirt chasing boss, that thwarts off black mail attempts by airing out his own laundry on national television. Americans were shocked and speech less as they listened to him drudge on about his reckless marital affairs and him having much to make up for to his newlywed wife of seven months.

Poor woman. I don't know which aspect of this is more embarrassing for her. The fact that he waited seven whole months to get caught defecating on his marital vows or that she got cheated on by someone that makes the average woman's insides shrivel and dry up quicker then the thoughts of a homeless man with scabies. I can only hope and pray that she is in it for the money because if the love of her life is unattractive and unfaithful she may decide to chase a few hundred Ambien pills with a bottle of Grey Goose, and nobody wants that on their conscience.

As someone that is opposed to practically nothing. I don't really have a problem with extramarital affairs. I believe that the good majority of the time the woman is aware of her beaus wandering tendencies and the beau is just enjoying the fact that his spouse allows him to wander. At least until feelings get involved and then things get really confusing. If nothing else these sort of affairs make for interesting bar brawls, and gossip. Add an angry jealous streak, an ex mistress that refuses to be shamed out of going anywhere, and a drunk mouthy wife and I am thoroughly entertained.

Anyway. Kudos to you Letterman. You stood your ground and kept your millions. Sure this may have resulted in the embarrassment of your beloved wife. But lets be honest, if you considered her in the least or were concerned with her being embarrassed, you wouldn't have been passing around your penis as frequently as inter office memos. I am just amazed that you found yet another woman that was willing to have sex with you. I honestly don't think that I would be able to stomach such a stomach curdling challenge. At least not unless it was from the back, blindfolded, with Gerard Butler coaching me enthusiastically, all while clutching the million dollars that you payed me. Even then I would probably still need a bucket and a cold wash cloth to fight off the waves of nausea. But that's just me.

~Melissa

And maybe it's just me, but I'd likely be the face of this Letterman scandal, had I only the chance. I apparently have a thing for dads, especially if they are old enough to be mine. I don't understand what the shock of this situation is. He's a public figure that refused to marry his long time girlfriend until he knocked her up. I get it, he probably thought at his age he was shooting blanks in the sperm department. I'd like to think that he promised to marry her only under pregnant circumstances, thinking his little soldiers wouldn't march. Well... joke was on you, David. Now, you're at least 93 with a child young enough to be your grandchild.

I can't say I condone it, but I also can't blame you for playing around on your wife. My guess is you'd do just about anything to feel young again. Or at least 50. If there is an office full of young broads that are easy and opportunist enough to get naked for their boss, I say go for it. I just hope you wore a condom. Unlike the vows you made to your wife, AIDS is real.

~Lauren

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Say What?! Arnold Schwarzenegger



"I think gay marriage is something that should be between a man and a woman".
-Arnold Schwarzenegger


Really?

I guess what this half wit was trying to say is that marriage should be between a man and a woman. If a guy wants to marry another dude, I say go for it. I plan to avoid marriage as long as humanly possible, so why not let them take my spot in marital hell.

If I hear one more person say that gay marriage will "destroy" the idea of marriage, I'll start a riot. I think drive-thru weddings in Las Vegas and divorce does a pretty good job of that on it's own. I don't think walking down the aisle with someone you just met at the bar dressed as Shaft is making God cry tears of joy.

It's hilarious that people can marry for money, fame, obligation and even to get green cards, but two gay people that actually love each other can't get married because of people's ignorance. And most annoyingly, their religion. If you think being gay is a sin, then don't be in a gay relationship. But don't try to force your bigoted beliefs on everyone else.

So as you sit down to your dinner at Red Lobster... Remember the Bible said that eating sea creatures without scales or fins is an abomination too. Keep up the selective Bible reading and all the hatred, because I'm sure that's what God LOVES to see.

~Lauren



Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Cheap Shots
Michael Lohan


Michael Lohan, father of Lindsay Lohan is finally opening up regarding his daughters erratic behavior. He blames her spiraling downfall on prescription drug abuse. "While Michael wouldn't specify what particular medications his daughter is "abusing," he does believe that they've changed her for the worse." He even went as far as saying, "she's a different person." "This was not the kid I raised."

Mr. Lohan, take a que from the parents of other young B-list celebrities. Smile, shake your head quietly, and just pray that she hasn't squandered so much of her money on cocaine and Valium that she has to tuck her tail between her legs and move back home. She is an adult now, from here on out she is solely to blame for the shitty happenings in her life. Parent's get off the hook for watching their daughters change through the peep hole, slapping their spouse with a golf club, and doing lines of blow in front of their kids once their children are of legal age. Congratulations, you were successful. Now let's just hope her promiscuity has left her barren so that we won't have to place bets on what drug her kid overdoses on.

Mr. Lohan admitting to the world that your daughter has a problem doesn't make you a good parent and you don't get credit for your own addiction by outing her either. Your daughter has many problems, drugs are only one of them. Keep in mind though, the more sober and coherent she is the easier it is for her to remember her childhood and what events helped mold her into the pill popping, on and off again lesbian, clepto that she is. If I were you I would just find out what milligram prescription she is using and ask that doctor to double it. Sometimes it's just easier to start fresh. Hopefully losing one daughter will be encouragement enough to do things right next time.
~Melissa

Cheap Shots: Seth Green


I've never been less intimated by another human being than Seth Green. It's hard for me to listen to the rants of a guy who is 5'4" and keep a straight face. I've had bowel movements taller than 5'4". So listening to him scream angrily at the set crew recently was kind of annoying. Take a look and see what I mean:


In a word, that was lame. I'm going to assume that was some sort of publicity stunt, because I have difficulty believing people really act like that. Did you notice that the guy talking to him from behind was literally a foot taller than him? All I saw was the dude's stomach as Seth continued on his it's-that-time-of-the-month rant.

Besides being short, you have red hair, Seth. Sorry, you're not scary, you're adorable. Had I been there, it would have taken everything in me not to pat him on the head and tell him how precious he is. Maybe that's why he got robbed... they thought he was an 11 year old with cash and saw an opportunity.

It's tragic that his getting robbed brought me and countless others so much amusement. I find his misbehavior darling. All this attention he's getting... at least tell me he has a movie coming out.

~Lauren

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Free Advice:
Stay the F**k Home


Nothing foreshadows a shittier week then walking into the office to find everyone there has come down with the Ebola virus. I can instantly feel my eyes watering and my throat closing up at the site of every disease known to man incubating within a three feet radius of my cubicle. What on earth made you come to work today? Is your home life that unpleasant that you would prefer to allow the flu to reek havoc on your bowel movement right here in our office.

Despite what you may think, no one needs you at work that much. I'm pretty sure we will function just fine without having to witness snot bubbling down your upper lip at stunning rates. The fact that your coughing up something that has the coloring of guacamole and the consistency of tapioca pudding should be your first concern. Whether or not your boss will think less of you for taking time off to die in the privacy of your own home shouldn't even make the top five.

You people infuriate me. I purposefully hide the tissues, turn up the ac, and leave the windows open in hopes that you will be hospitalized in the near future. If you have a stomach virus I sit in the bathroom texting, indulge in the most stomach twisting nourishments, and remove the back up rolls of toilet paper from the closet. If you have a problem with me being that inconsiderate... F**k you. Why should I be concerned with your health and well being when you obviously have no concern with mine.

My advice, for those of you that work with me or others like me, if you don't want to end up on a respiratory machine you should think twice before coming to work "under the weather."
~Melissa

Lauren's Free Advice: On Taking Advice


Melissa and I have been giving you all advice for the past few months, so I figure maybe it's time to address this. I hope to God none of you have actually needed this website for parenting, relationships and other random nuggets of wisdom. In case you haven't noticed, if the advice that we give can apply to you, we are usually really mocking you, not trying to help you.

There are some people out there that love to give advice. My best piece of advice: stop listening to them.

It may be time to get new friends if their best words of wisdom are typically a cliché. I think we all have a friend like that. You have a day from hell-- while all you want to do is vent and take tequila shots, he/she is spouting something about silver linings in clouds and everything happening for a reason. Sure, everything does happen for a reason, but I'd argue telling me that as I hold my eviction notice is not comforting.

I'd also advise that you not take advice from someone whose life is habitually shittier than yours. If this friend has a reserved room at the crazy house, it's best that you ignore their efforts. You can recognize this friend by the barrel of a loaded gun pressed closely to their lips.

Honestly, you're better off just winging it then listening to the girl who can't keep a guy longer than a week about what she thinks you should do about your boyfriend's wandering eye. Besides, if your life ends up in shambles, at least you can't blame anyone but yourself. Comforting? I think so.

~Lauren

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