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Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Free Advice:
Stay the F**k Home

Nothing foreshadows a shittier week then walking into the office to find everyone there has come down with the Ebola virus. I can instantly feel my eyes watering and my throat closing up at the site of every disease known to man incubating within a three feet radius of my cubicle. What on earth made you come to work today? Is your home life that unpleasant that you would prefer to allow the flu to reek havoc on your bowel movement right here in our office.

Despite what you may think, no one needs you at work that much. I'm pretty sure we will function just fine without having to witness snot bubbling down your upper lip at stunning rates. The fact that your coughing up something that has the coloring of guacamole and the consistency of tapioca pudding should be your first concern. Whether or not your boss will think less of you for taking time off to die in the privacy of your own home shouldn't even make the top five.

You people infuriate me. I purposefully hide the tissues, turn up the ac, and leave the windows open in hopes that you will be hospitalized in the near future. If you have a stomach virus I sit in the bathroom texting, indulge in the most stomach twisting nourishments, and remove the back up rolls of toilet paper from the closet. If you have a problem with me being that inconsiderate... F**k you. Why should I be concerned with your health and well being when you obviously have no concern with mine.

My advice, for those of you that work with me or others like me, if you don't want to end up on a respiratory machine you should think twice before coming to work "under the weather."


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