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Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Free Advice: Baby Showers


A month or so ago I was talked into attending yet another baby shower. It was a tedious negotiation that had to be beefed up with promises of alcoholic beverages, a designated driver, and exemption from any and all baby shower games.

In preparation for this debacle I agreed to go half in on a diaper cake, whatever that was. I learned shortly that this was not something we would be buying, this we were going to create. Needless to say I only contributed financially and watched my childless underage friend happily spend and an hour and a half making a three tier cake out of diapers, lotion, toys, rubber bands, and ribbon. I actually would have been impressed had I had any intention of using my ovaries for anything other then a solid excuse to thwart off undesirable sexual relations. So I did what I do, while she happily made the cake envisioning what I would guess would be her own baby shower I drank a few beers and managed to mock her profusely. She was a good sport about it. I contribute this mainly to the fact that she too was drinking beer.

By the time we arrived all of the women were more than a few drinks in w/the exception of the mother to be of course. This made the air of contempt and bitterness quite pungent. She was surrounded by primarily older woman with the exception of a few, one being my noticeably intoxicated driver. You could tell that the soon to be mom was rethinking her enthusiasm. All she got to hear was how much pain labor was, the downward spiraling of their bodies, "if I had it to do all over" agains, and the pleasant sound of me popping open another beer. Needless to say I was amused even if my tubes were literally attempting to tie themselves. The "mother to be"'s mood was to say the least changing as the day progressed. I imagine she was rethinking her plight into motherdom or at least contemplating smuggling a bottle of wine into the bathroom with her. I suppose I'll never know.

I do know this however, the ideal audience for a baby shower is not a handful of menopausal women that hate their children and want a do over, a thirty year old mother that misses her vagina, a twenty-seven year old that eats morning after pill like their pez to thwart off oopsies, and a drunk twenty year old that just realized she likes drinking a lot more than changing diapers.

While epically entertaining for me it's not at all reassuring to you. A little free advice limit your guest lists to enthusiastic mothers to be or sober mommy drones. If you don't know any then perhaps you should skip the shower all together. I bet peace of mind and excitement of your upcoming vaginal sacrifice is worth a lot more then all the shitty presents you received at the baby shower even the diaper cake.

-Melissa

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