Entertainment Review: Away We Go

Simply put, this is probably one of the greater movies out. Why? Because it has two of my favorite things: an interracial couple and Jim from The Office. The on-screen chemistry he has with his girlfriend in this movie was comparable to his with Pam. I don't particularly find him attractive, mostly because of that annoying flip his hair does, but anytime I see him on screen I seem to fall for him.

Literally all the supporting characters were hilarious in their own way too- whether it be because they are drunk and terrible parents, or because they are so delightfully flawed in a subtle way that it makes you realize the humanity of the character.

Spoiler: The first clip consists of John Krasinski going down on his girlfriend. If that doesn't send you running to Blockbuster, I don't know what will.

~Lauren

Agreeing to Agree: David Letterman Scandal

Occasionally while skimming through the possible topics for our Good Cop/Bad Cop topics we stumble on to a topic that we can't help but agree on. Though we take turns attempting to play devils advocate on a regular basis occasionally we are unable to find any logic what so ever in the opposing parties argument, even enough to mock it profusely. We like to call these moments Agreeing to Agree. This is basically were we mock all parties involved, particularly the people on the opposing side of the fence. This is one of those times where we caught our selves "Agreeing to Agree."

David Letterman recently outed himself to his viewers as a morally lose, skirt chasing boss, that thwarts off black mail attempts by airing out his own laundry on national television. Americans were shocked and speech less as they listened to him drudge on about his reckless marital affairs and him having much to make up for to his newlywed wife of seven months.

Poor woman. I don't know which aspect of this is more embarrassing for her. The fact that he waited seven whole months to get caught defecating on his marital vows or that she got cheated on by someone that makes the average woman's insides shrivel and dry up quicker then the thoughts of a homeless man with scabies. I can only hope and pray that she is in it for the money because if the love of her life is unattractive and unfaithful she may decide to chase a few hundred Ambien pills with a bottle of Grey Goose, and nobody wants that on their conscience.

As someone that is opposed to practically nothing. I don't really have a problem with extramarital affairs. I believe that the good majority of the time the woman is aware of her beaus wandering tendencies and the beau is just enjoying the fact that his spouse allows him to wander. At least until feelings get involved and then things get really confusing. If nothing else these sort of affairs make for interesting bar brawls, and gossip. Add an angry jealous streak, an ex mistress that refuses to be shamed out of going anywhere, and a drunk mouthy wife and I am thoroughly entertained.

Anyway. Kudos to you Letterman. You stood your ground and kept your millions. Sure this may have resulted in the embarrassment of your beloved wife. But lets be honest, if you considered her in the least or were concerned with her being embarrassed, you wouldn't have been passing around your penis as frequently as inter office memos. I am just amazed that you found yet another woman that was willing to have sex with you. I honestly don't think that I would be able to stomach such a stomach curdling challenge. At least not unless it was from the back, blindfolded, with Gerard Butler coaching me enthusiastically, all while clutching the million dollars that you payed me. Even then I would probably still need a bucket and a cold wash cloth to fight off the waves of nausea. But that's just me.

~Melissa

And maybe it's just me, but I'd likely be the face of this Letterman scandal, had I only the chance. I apparently have a thing for dads, especially if they are old enough to be mine. I don't understand what the shock of this situation is. He's a public figure that refused to marry his long time girlfriend until he knocked her up. I get it, he probably thought at his age he was shooting blanks in the sperm department. I'd like to think that he promised to marry her only under pregnant circumstances, thinking his little soldiers wouldn't march. Well... joke was on you, David. Now, you're at least 93 with a child young enough to be your grandchild.

I can't say I condone it, but I also can't blame you for playing around on your wife. My guess is you'd do just about anything to feel young again. Or at least 50. If there is an office full of young broads that are easy and opportunist enough to get naked for their boss, I say go for it. I just hope you wore a condom. Unlike the vows you made to your wife, AIDS is real.

~Lauren

Say What?! Arnold Schwarzenegger

"I think gay marriage is something that should be between a man and a woman".

-Arnold Schwarzenegger

Really?

I guess what this half wit was trying to say is that marriage should be between a man and a woman. If a guy wants to marry another dude, I say go for it. I plan to avoid marriage as long as humanly possible, so why not let them take my spot in marital hell.

If I hear one more person say that gay marriage will "destroy" the idea of marriage, I'll start a riot. I think drive-thru weddings in Las Vegas and divorce does a pretty good job of that on it's own. I don't think walking down the aisle with someone you just met at the bar dressed as Shaft is making God cry tears of joy.

It's hilarious that people can marry for money, fame, obligation and even to get green cards, but two gay people that actually love each other can't get married because of people's ignorance. And most annoyingly, their religion. If you think being gay is a sin, then don't be in a gay relationship. But don't try to force your bigoted beliefs on everyone else.

So as you sit down to your dinner at Red Lobster... Remember the Bible said that eating sea creatures without scales or fins is an abomination too. Keep up the selective Bible reading and all the hatred, because I'm sure that's what God LOVES to see.

~Lauren

Cheap Shots Michael Lohan

Michael Lohan, father of Lindsay Lohan is finally opening up regarding his daughters erratic behavior. He blames her spiraling downfall on prescription drug abuse. "While Michael wouldn't specify what particular medications his daughter is "abusing," he does believe that they've changed her for the worse." He even went as far as saying, "she's a different person." "This was not the kid I raised."

Mr. Lohan, take a que from the parents of other young B-list celebrities. Smile, shake your head quietly, and just pray that she hasn't squandered so much of her money on cocaine and Valium that she has to tuck her tail between her legs and move back home. She is an adult now, from here on out she is solely to blame for the shitty happenings in her life. Parent's get off the hook for watching their daughters change through the peep hole, slapping their spouse with a golf club, and doing lines of blow in front of their kids once their children are of legal age. Congratulations, you were successful. Now let's just hope her promiscuity has left her barren so that we won't have to place bets on what drug her kid overdoses on.

Mr. Lohan admitting to the world that your daughter has a problem doesn't make you a good parent and you don't get credit for your own addiction by outing her either. Your daughter has many problems, drugs are only one of them. Keep in mind though, the more sober and coherent she is the easier it is for her to remember her childhood and what events helped mold her into the pill popping, on and off again lesbian, clepto that she is. If I were you I would just find out what milligram prescription she is using and ask that doctor to double it. Sometimes it's just easier to start fresh. Hopefully losing one daughter will be encouragement enough to do things right next time.
~Melissa

Cheap Shots: Seth Green

I've never been less intimated by another human being than Seth Green. It's hard for me to listen to the rants of a guy who is 5'4" and keep a straight face. I've had bowel movements taller than 5'4". So listening to him scream angrily at the set crew recently was kind of annoying. Take a look and see what I mean:

In a word, that was lame. I'm going to assume that was some sort of publicity stunt, because I have difficulty believing people really act like that. Did you notice that the guy talking to him from behind was literally a foot taller than him? All I saw was the dude's stomach as Seth continued on his it's-that-time-of-the-month rant.

Besides being short, you have red hair, Seth. Sorry, you're not scary, you're adorable. Had I been there, it would have taken everything in me not to pat him on the head and tell him how precious he is. Maybe that's why he got robbed... they thought he was an 11 year old with cash and saw an opportunity.

It's tragic that his getting robbed brought me and countless others so much amusement. I find his misbehavior darling. All this attention he's getting... at least tell me he has a movie coming out.

~Lauren

Free Advice: Stay the F**k Home

Nothing foreshadows a shittier week then walking into the office to find everyone there has come down with the Ebola virus. I can instantly feel my eyes watering and my throat closing up at the site of every disease known to man incubating within a three feet radius of my cubicle. What on earth made you come to work today? Is your home life that unpleasant that you would prefer to allow the flu to reek havoc on your bowel movement right here in our office.

Despite what you may think, no one needs you at work that much. I'm pretty sure we will function just fine without having to witness snot bubbling down your upper lip at stunning rates. The fact that your coughing up something that has the coloring of guacamole and the consistency of tapioca pudding should be your first concern. Whether or not your boss will think less of you for taking time off to die in the privacy of your own home shouldn't even make the top five.

You people infuriate me. I purposefully hide the tissues, turn up the ac, and leave the windows open in hopes that you will be hospitalized in the near future. If you have a stomach virus I sit in the bathroom texting, indulge in the most stomach twisting nourishments, and remove the back up rolls of toilet paper from the closet. If you have a problem with me being that inconsiderate... F**k you. Why should I be concerned with your health and well being when you obviously have no concern with mine.

My advice, for those of you that work with me or others like me, if you don't want to end up on a respiratory machine you should think twice before coming to work "under the weather."

~Melissa

Lauren's Free Advice: On Taking Advice

Melissa and I have been giving you all advice for the past few months, so I figure maybe it's time to address this. I hope to God none of you have actually needed this website for parenting, relationships and other random nuggets of wisdom. In case you haven't noticed, if the advice that we give can apply to you, we are usually really mocking you, not trying to help you.

There are some people out there that love to give advice. My best piece of advice: stop listening to them.

It may be time to get new friends if their best words of wisdom are typically a cliché. I think we all have a friend like that. You have a day from hell-- while all you want to do is vent and take tequila shots, he/she is spouting something about silver linings in clouds and everything happening for a reason. Sure, everything does happen for a reason, but I'd argue telling me that as I hold my eviction notice is not comforting.

I'd also advise that you not take advice from someone whose life is habitually shittier than yours. If this friend has a reserved room at the crazy house, it's best that you ignore their efforts. You can recognize this friend by the barrel of a loaded gun pressed closely to their lips.

Honestly, you're better off just winging it then listening to the girl who can't keep a guy longer than a week about what she thinks you should do about your boyfriend's wandering eye. Besides, if your life ends up in shambles, at least you can't blame anyone but yourself. Comforting? I think so.

~Lauren

Entertainment Review: Sherri

Despite my better judgement I curled up on the couch this evening and decided to devote thirty minutes of my precious time to the new show Sherri. Having never watched The View I was completely puzzled by the fact that someone would base a television show on a character that has the effect of icy cold water on most male's nether regions. I soon discovered that she was relatively famous, her role in entertainment being that of me and Lauren's, to mock things profusely. I have to say that my curiosity involving this show resulted from it's non stop advertisements and discovering that her sense of humor bore a slight resemblance to Lauren's sarcastic comebacks and inappropriate observations. I just had to experience this show first hand.

Sherri was exactly as advertised. A zany quick witted female who gave up on being attractive a long time ago. I was puzzled by the selection of her supporting actresses. These woman at first glance were elevens on a one to ten scale. I couldn't figure out how they were going to get their viewers to pay any attention to Sherri, who is less model and more gargoyle. After a couple of minutes I discovered they had a method to their madness. While her supporting female characters were eye pleasing they were debilitatingly stupid. I could honestly feel aneurysms beginning to pulsate through out my body in aggravation as the show progressed.

I honestly was slightly entertained. I just can't decide whether to watch the show blind folded so that I won't be nauseated at the sight of Sherri or with my tv on mute so that I wont be irritated by the dialogue of the rest of the cast.

~Melissa

Entertainment Review: Modern Family

I had my apprehensions about seeing “Al Bundy” back on television, but I decided to give this show a try. After simply watching the pilot, I was hooked. His new character’s bigotry and cultural incompetence is amusing and sadly reminds me of my own father. I haven’t been this excited about a cable show since Friends. Watching the fat, gay guy flail about theatrically is likely the high point of every episode. Anyone that introduces their newly adopted Vietnamese baby, Lily, to the family by holding her above your head like Simba is alright with me. Similarly, any family that meets their new family member, then immediately questions an Asian child's ability to pronounce Lily is also alright with me. This let me know that I would never be able to go another week without watching this show on Hulu.

Honestly, I demand that you watch this show. Until then, watch the clip.

~Lauren

Say What?! Mariah Carey

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean, I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff".

I almost pooped a little after reading this. This is why celebrities need publicists... and this is why Mariah Carey's should be fired. There's no reason for this to have ever come to light.

The first sentence made me think that she's full of it. I refused to believe that she honestly cares about dying kids at all. Coincidentally, the last skinny kid with no future I looked at with tears in my eyes was her husband. I believe I was muttering the words, "Comedy is dead" as I lay in the fetal position watching Wild 'N Out.

Look on the bright side, Mariah. You have more in common with those starving kids than you realize. You both have little pot bellies and are painful to look at for extended periods of time.

~Lauren